Homesick and needy

I am going to go to fencing, and I am not going to nearly burst into tears again, I just am not, not even in another torturous two minutes fencing the best of the class, who must find those bouts as tedious as I find them miserable.

I cried at work yesterday. that is enough for one week. I didn't tell J, but somehow almost everything but the tears came through when mike asked how the job was treating me. or maybe it was when he was talking about how he's going to new york for two weeks in march and we should come. I am sending him off with letters of recommendation, even if he doesn't know about them; you will find them in your mailboxes, cream scented and stamped, asking kindly that you welcome this painter into your circles and show him around the real city. he has a sister an hour or two north, but I believe firmly that he would benefit from the guidance of those who live in the belly of the beast.

but I digress, and I am short on time. I spent my lunch break in tears because I was homesick, and because one small remark from the owner of the store made me feel stupid, and I was tired of feeling stupid, tired of not being responsible for myself, tired of never, ever being left alone, tired of the need to reassure myself that I am smarter than my job, tired of having not spoken to anyone who's known me for years in quite some time. I cannot get my feet under me. in some senses, yes, I can, and I think J will let me lean on him as long as I need to. but I am a little too prideful, too used to doing things in a way that at least looks like it's on my own, to put all my weight in one direction.

it is the beauty of a circle, see, that one's needs and wants and requirements can be balanced among the group; that no one has to need any single person quite so fiercely.

but as homesick as I am, as much as I cried yesterday because I wanted my job back, my apartment back, my life back and more than anything my friends back, I am not going to leave.

I couldn't possibly walk away from him.

and there you have it. yes, k., yes, you were right. I can't brave voicing it just yet, but I do everything with that thought in mind.