Sad-eyed lady

and so the weekend passes and I want to write things down, suddenly, because the everyday has become the every-five-days, here we are, late on a friday night and I can't stop speeding along country roads because I want to be there, now.

I was out with my one friend from my high school graduating class, catching up. i'd been a little afraid things were going to be stiff but they weren't at all and we sat in a booth at the bar, where the bouncer, I think, let her in id-less because she was with me, where I indulged in a favorite spendy drink and went into great detail about everything she missed at the reunion last august. who else would really know, would really want to know?

her younger brothers have wives and children. the mormon scriptures apparently say, "hot beverages are not for the belly," but still none of her family drinks coffee, even cold, even unspecified. it is strange, but fascinating.

and later, after I put the car on cruise control to avoid a ticket, I walked up the steps to hear him mutter, "it's HOT," though the screen; I climbed in and snuggled up and was home.

I had to work, though, today and yesterday. last night he played with a friend's band at a bar I don't really like; the jasminlive girls in strapless dresses and makeup, the boys still in frat boy button-downs and shorts, the entire party decked out in red, they somehow combine to make me a little claustrophobic. I sat at the bar and talked about movies part of the night and about the rest of the clientele for most of it, but I just wanted the show to be done so I could be back talking to him, back in the immediate zone of hand's reach. it was a good show. but I wanted us, a date, a night of mine and his to fill in small gaps left by an empty week. offstage, he became more affectionate than usual, always there, right where I needed him. perfectly.

we had bagels and coffee this morning, half talking, half reading the news, giddy with caffeine and sugar afterwards.

and here is sunday night, wine and cheesy dinnerish snacks, eating less, typing more. I will settle into this and as soon as I do, he'll be back. I know. I know.

Quick, breathless rundown

things I have not written about but should have include:

owl-x's trip out here, which included whales, german potatoes, good beer and shitty service at the rogue brewery, the CHEESE FACTORY!, and a drink at a random, skeezy tillamook bar with J.

minor league baseball! J wrapped his arms around my head when a ball came our way and I wasn't paying any attention. there was a beer monitor who wouldn't let us have more than two beers per person on the table, despite the fact that it was the last ten minutes of free beer time for the ems game that my work sponsored. we managed to drink a lot of hefeweizen all the same, let me tell you. john kerry was supposedly supposed to throw out the first pitch, which would have been fucking fantastic, but it didn't happen. (he was in town, though, eversobriefly.) J professed astonishment upon seeing my boss, and said boss screamed at the third base coach and caught a ball. a sales rep's daughter found a gifuckinggantic praying mantis and he climbed around and up and down our arms. "if he doesn't like you, he pinches!" she warned us.

cursive, amazing again. the rapture, sort of silly. mogwai, fantastic, incredibly boring to watch.

J back on the weekends and for one solid week that somehow was wonderfully, deliciously long. we've finished third season buffy; I called a used cd/dvd store on a whim to see if they had the first season of angel, the other day, and they did. we have to go on to fourth season buffy and be able to alternate with first season angel, y'see.

this weekend we are off on an adventure, maybe, or a good dinner at least: my change jar yielded $92.30 in spendable money after the coinstar machine ate $9.02. next weekend, great company in town, and then ben kweller, and then bumbershoot!

did I mention that I got promoted?


but for now, i'm going to play zelda till my eyes bleed, and when i'm done, i'm going to sell the damn gamecube. I don't have the money or the time for this kind of addiction. i've got other things to do, I do, I do.

Shortcut to an entry

fifty questions by way of jenny henny.

1. What's your name backwards?


2. Where were your parents born?

Alas, I, er, don't know. My mom, I think in Washington. My dad, I'm not sure.

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?

I tried to download a picture last night to use as a background, but it didn't work.

4. What's your favorite restaurant?

Eugene: ShikI for sushi, High Street for late night fries and pints. Portland: the little ThaI place by my dad's house, but I haven't tried enough places yet. New York: Ulrika's for dinner, Kate's for takeout, and Old Devil Moon for brunch.

5. Last time you swam in a pool?

In December 2002, in Melbourne. Or maybe that was January.

6. Have you ever been in a school play?

In middle school, I was the white rabbit in "Alice in Wonderland." That was my favorite. I was also an elf in a Christmas play, and probably some other things as well. That's what happens when you take middle school drama. In high school I was in some weird play where I got eaten by a giant serving of mashed potatoes.

7. How many kids do you want?

I'm becoming more and more certain I don't want any.

8. Type of chaturbate music you dislike most?

Probably what passes for country these days - pop with a twang and a slightly different attitude - or really wanky art jazz. That, at least, I can sort of appreciate, I just don't want to hear it.

9. Are you registered to vote?


10. Do you have cable?

We hardly have regular reception. Good thing Lost is on the one channel that comes in.

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?

When I was a kid, my stepdad had one of those little Honda Sprees. Does that count?

12. Ever prank call anybody?

I think we tried to, in middle school.

13. Ever get a parking ticket?

I got three in my first two months at this job.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?

I bungee jumped once, but it was kind of fake bungee jumping at Action Park. I'd probably try that again. Not sure about skydiving though.

15. Farthest place you ever traveled?


16. Do you have a garden?

My roommate has a lot of plants.

17. What's your favorite comic strip?

Get Fuzzy, no question.

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?

I do. I used to be part of the little group that had to sing it at basketball games in high school.

19. Bath or shower, morning or night?

Morning shower, utterly necessary.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?

Saved. And Hero was pretty, but I didn't love it like I thought I might.

21. Favorite pizza topping?

Cheese and olives.

22. Chips or popcorn?

Chips, but maybe Smartfood.

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear?


24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?

I'm going to lump these two together as ridiculous.

26. Orange juice or apple?


27. Where was the last place you went out to dinner?

J and I went to Mazzi's the other week because I had a gift certificate from work. It wasn't very good. I'd stick with the other Italian place in town, but I don't want my ex the cook to spit in my dinner.

28. Favorite type chocolate bar?

Those Swiss ones...Lindt?

29. When was the last time you voted at the polls?

In the last New York mayoral race. In Oregon, we mail our ballots in.

31. Have you ever won a trophy?

Third grade district spelling champion!

32. Are you a good cook?

At a few select jasmine live items. And a good baker.

33. Do you know how to pump your own gas?

Yes, despite my Oregon upbringin.

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?

No, but I know someone who bought a Flowbee.

35. Sprite or 7-up?

Neither. Soda is supposed to have caffeine! And also I only like diet soda. All that sugar makes my teeth feel furry.

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?


37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?

Sudafed and kleenex.

38. Ever throw up in public?


39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?


40. Do you believe in love at first sight?


41. Ever call a 1-900 number?


42. Can exes be friends?

Absolutely. Most of them, anyway.

43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?

I don't think I've ever visited someone in a regular hospital. Mental ward, though, a few years ago.

44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?

I don't know.

45. What message is on your answering machine?

I think it's the automated robot voice.

46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?

Hrm. I haven't watched it in ages. I used to like Chris Kattan's goth bit though.

47. What was the name of your first pet?

I named the cat Tiger, but my stepfather deemed that too boring and renamed her Snazz.

48. What is in your purse?

I carry a bag, not a purse. Two notebooks, my wallet, a book, at least one pen (for crosswords), Lemon Echinacea Throat Coat tea, my new job description, an unpaid credit card bill, and usually my phone but the battery is dead.

49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?

Have a glass of wine and curl up with J.

50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?

That my new salary is enough that I can pay for more things, and keep J from getting more into debt.

With newly-bleached hair a dozen colors

another week passes and I wonder if part of the reason I am often out of sorts is that I skip so many of my old small rituals. typing into a white box several times a day is inarguably one of those; so is pasting ticket stubs into a sketchbook, which i'm about to do, sprawled on the floor with the cat around (nearly spelled with a k, though she is farther away) and a bowl of soup nearby.

small rituals and long walks. I am tired of driving, tired of walking short distances on bland streets. I am always hungry and never satisfied: i'd rather spend my food budget for the week on one night of sushI and fill my belly with ramen the other six nights than eat at the fred meyer delI counter one more day. I wonder if the starbucks in the grocery stores offer stamp cards for free drinks as a way of acknowledging that the drinks made there are never as good as the ones made at official starbucks chains. i'd rather go to the beanery, anyway, or to a large glass of cold water extract at full city, where we sit outside in the sun until my back begins to melt and I think i'll fall asleep before I even get to work.

I think I am serious about grad school. I just discovered that the class I was dreaming of taking is full - so much for making friends with the department head and getting her to write me a recommendation. k. and I talk about a graduate institute in southern california and I want us both to go there, to read mythology and jungian texts between shifts at the local coffee shop. but i'm not sure i'm ready to go. I mean, i'm know i'm not. I don't want to leave. I think I love this boy. but these sidewalks are making my toes curl for their lack of sheen, the smooth surfaces lacking letters and inscriptions, lacking the repeated tread of my steps.

and so I look at this university with its green campus and solar buildings, with a basketball team, and a library named for the founder of nike, and I hope they'll take me.

and I hope I can settle in.